Suicide is very hard to understand and accept.

While you are mourning your loved one’s passing you may also be experiencing very strong feelings and questions regarding the circumstances of their death. It can be extremely difficult to come to terms with the fact that another person chose to end their life.

Not surprisingly, many people find that coping with a death from suicide is different than coping with a death from other causes. One reason for this is that there is still a strong stigma in many parts of our society (especially in some cultures) surrounding suicide. This stigma can even cause you to feel a sense of shame when trying to talk about your loved one’s death.

Many survivors tend to blame themselves, thinking that there’s something they could have done—but didn’t do—that would have prevented this tragedy. Others feel extreme anger towards the deceased, thinking “how could he do that do us?” Plus, especially in situations where the person did not leave a note, trying to understand what could have driven your loved one to kill themselves can be an impossible quest.

Coping tips

If your loved one committed suicide, here are some tips for coping with your grief:

Do not blame yourself

Suicide was your loved one’s choice, not yours.

Be patient

Bereavement always takes time, and setbacks are common. Don’t rush yourself. If you feel like you’re taking “two steps forward and one step back,” recognize that this is perfectly normal.

Take it one day at a time

Try to stay present in the moment so that you can process your emotions without feeling as overwhelmed. Mindfulness or relaxation techniques can be helpful.

Accept people’s offers of help

When friends and family reach out asking if there’s “anything they can do,” say yes and be specific about what they can do that would be helpful for you. For example, they can bring meals, walk the dog, take the kids to school or help with homework, help you catch up on housework, etc.

Understand the grieving process

You are likely to experience a wide variety of emotions, including shock, guilt, shame, fear, blame, anger, despair, confusion, sadness and feeling rejected by the person who committed suicide.

Avoid isolation

Yes, you will need some “alone” time in which to grieve, but be careful not to isolate yourself. Stay in contact with supportive friends and family members. Seek out those in your life who are good listeners and willing to be there for you when you need their support. Also realize that, unfortunately, many people have trouble discussing suicide, and therefore might not reach out to you. If necessary, “break the ice” by reaching out to them.Establish a routine – In the beginning, even getting out of bed and getting dressed can be difficult. Sticking with a healthy routine can provide a sense of normalcy, and is an important aspect of taking care of yourself. Create a time and space each day to grieve, but also allow time to do something pleasant just before bed.

Avoid major life decisions

Your time of bereavement is not the time to make life decisions, such as quitting your job, beginning or ending a relationship (unless you were about to do so before the suicide happened) or relocating. Be aware that your judgement may be poor during this time. If you absolutely must make a major life decision, such as because your lease is up or your employer went out of business, consult with trusted friends who are not also deep in the mourning process before you take action.

Join a grief support group

Choose a grief support group that is specifically for those who are coping with a suicide. It can be tremendously helpful to be with others who “get it.” Here are some resources for finding one:

Database of local suicide grief support groups from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

Alliance of Hope Community Forum, an online support group

Suicide Grief Support Forum, an online support group

Help for survivors of military suicide, including resources, programming, events and an online support group

Consider getting professional help

Coping with grief is always difficult. Coping with grief after a loved one commits suicide is often even harder. There is absolutely no shame in seeking help from an experienced mental health professional. Find a therapist with whom you connect, and let them guide and support you through the mourning process.

Additional Resources

Here are some additional resources that you may find helpful:

American Association of Suicidology: List of books and resources for suicide loss survivors

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: List of books, documentaries and more

Parents of Suicides - Friends and Families of Suicides: Online support forum, memorial websites, resources and more

Sibling Survivors of Suicide Loss: Resources, inspiration and more