For many people, attending a funeral can be quite intimidating. You’re afraid you might say or do something inappropriate, and you’re not sure exactly what is expected—especially if you’re attending a funeral where the customs may be different than in your own faith or culture.
In general, the best advice is to simply be respectful, courteous and supportive. Keep in mind that your presence, a kind word or an understanding hug can be very comforting to the bereaved.
Here are the answers to the most common questions that we hear:
What should I wear to a funeral or memorial service?
Dress modestly and conservatively, as your goal is to appear dignified and respectful. Think about what you would wear to a religious service or an important business meeting or job interview. In most cases these outfits are appropriate.
Avoid wearing jeans, baseball caps, sneakers, short skirts or anything that is overly casual or festive.
In some cultures black clothing is traditionally worn to a funeral. In others it is inappropriate.
Here are some general guidelines for specific types of funerals:
- Eastern Orthodox funerals – Wear black or somber clothing.
- Quaker funerals – Because the Quaker funeral is a celebration of the life that was lived, Quakers do not wear black (a somber color) as a symbol of mourning.
- Mormon funerals – Wear modest clothing.
- Muslim funerals – Wear modest clothing. Women should wear an ankle length skirt, which should not be tight or transparent, with a long sleeved and high-necked top. In addition, women must have their heads covered with a headscarf.
- Jewish funerals – Wear modest, dark-colored clothing.
- Hindu funerals – Dress in simple white clothing; do not wear black clothing.
- Buddhist funerals – Do not wear red clothing.
When should I arrive for a funeral or memorial service?
Many guests make it a point to arrive early in order to have time to visit with other guests before the service begins. At a minimum, plan to arrive 15 minutes before the service is scheduled to begin, to ensure that unexpected traffic or parking issues do not cause you to be late.
If you are participating in the service in any way, arrive at least 30 minutes before the service is scheduled to begin. There is likely to be a brief meeting with the funeral director or officiant to go over the schedule and ensure every participant knows what to do.
If you do arrive late, be as unobtrusive as possible. Do not interrupt the service. Enter quietly and use the side aisle to quickly take a seat at the back of the room.
Should I bring flowers to the funeral?
In some traditions it is customary to bring flowers, in others it is not.
- Protestant, Lutheran, Methodist, Presbyterian and Episcopalian funerals – Flowers, cards and charitable donations in the name of the deceased are all appropriate memorial gifts.
- Roman Catholic funerals – It is appropriate to send flowers to the funeral home.
- Muslim funerals – Do not bring flowers to the funeral.
- Jewish funerals – Charitable donations are the customary memorial gift; do not send flowers to the funeral.
- Buddhist funerals – Send flowers (but not red flowers), or make a charitable donation in the name of the deceased.
- Hindu funerals – Arrive empty-handed; do not bring flowers or gifts to the funeral.
Do I have to join in any prayers during the funeral?
If you do not share the religious beliefs of the deceased’s family, you are not obligated to participate in their religious practices. As a guest at the funeral, though, you are obligated to be polite and respectful. Simply stand or sit quietly and observe the ceremony. Think of this as an opportunity to pay tribute to the deceased and experience a tradition that was meaningful to them.
Should I bring my kids to a funeral?
Toddlers and babies should not be brought to a funeral. If you have an infant that cannot be left at home, hire a babysitter who will sit with the baby in another room, far enough away that the baby’s crying will not be heard by the other mourners during the service.
Older children can be brought to a funeral if they are well-behaved and can be counted on to sit quietly throughout the entire service. In this case, be sure to talk to your child before the funeral to let them know what to expect. Be aware that some children find the display of grief (i.e. many adults crying uncontrollably) to be very upsetting.
Why is there a guest book at a funeral?
The grieving family is often so overwhelmed by the emotions of the day that they are not fully aware of who is present at the service. Signing the guest book is a way to show your support by letting them know that you were there.
How should I interact with the grieving family?
At the funeral it is best to keep your interactions short and brief, as all of the guests will want to say a word or two to the family.
- Jewish funerals – It is customary to let the bereaved speak first.
- Hindu funerals – The least said, the better. Do not exchange greetings with the official mourners. Instead, nod or hug in sympathy.
In addition, see our article on what to say when comforting mourners.
Can I use my smartphone during a funeral?
No. Place your phone on “silent” (or, better yet, turn it off), and put it away for the duration of the service. Answering texts, checking email, etc. during a funeral is rude. Unless the family has specifically asked you to take photos, taking photos during a funeral is not appropriate, either.
Who are the chairs for at a graveside service?
Graveside services will usually have a row or two of chairs—clearly not enough for all of the guests. These are reserved for the immediate family, and for those (such as the elderly or disabled) who cannot stand for the length of the service. If neither of these categories apply to you, stand behind the chairs with the other guests.