At some point when your children were growing up you probably sat them down for “the talk,” to explain where babies come from and what they can expect as their bodies change and develop. It may or may not have been a comfortable discussion for you to have, but you did it because you knew it was the right thing to do.
As you age, eventually it will be time to have what some call “the other talk.” This talk is about you and your wishes for your care if you become incapable of caring for yourself, what you want done with your remains after you pass, and more. Needless to say, this is typically an emotionally difficult discussion for both you and your adult children. But, just like that earlier talk, having this discussion is the right thing to do.
Nobody likes to imagine what it will be like if their own physical or mental condition deteriorates. Nobody likes to think about their own demise. But if you do not discuss these things while you are well, by the time circumstances force your family to act they will probably be in crisis mode. Not only is this not the best time to make vitally important decisions, if they do not know your preferences there’s a good chance that the choices they make will be different than what you wanted.
What should you cover in this talk? Here are some ideas:
Health
Your children should have a copy of your health history and be aware of any health issues you’re currently having and medication you’re currently taking.
If you have an Advanced Healthcare Directive (a legal document that lets you designate someone to make medical decisions for you if become incapable of doing so yourself), be sure all of your children know who has been named in this document. That person should have a copy of the document, preferably both printed and digital versions.
Finances
Your children should have at least a general understanding of your financial situation. If you have a Will or Trust, the Executor or Successor Trustee should have a complete list of all of your assets and debts, including account numbers and any other information they would need to have in order to locate these items.
Insurance
Your children should know about any life insurance policies that you have in place, as well as the details of your health insurance coverage (such as supplemental Medicare policies), long-term care insurance, etc.
Living arrangements
Discuss your preferences regarding living arrangements as you age. Are you hoping to age in place? Do you plan to move to a retirement community? If you require ongoing care, were you hoping to move in with one of your children, move to an assisted living home, hire in-home caregivers, or what? And, just importantly, do you have the means to pay for your preferred arrangements?
Legal issues
As discussed in our article on the importance of getting your estate in order while you’re well, there are a few very important legal documents that you should have in place. These documents let you appoint someone to make legal and medical decisions for you if you are not able, manage your assets both while you’re alive and after you pass, distribute your belongings according to your wishes after you pass, and more. Be sure that your children know where these are kept, and who has been given these responsibilities.
Professional advisors
If you have a tax accountant, lawyer, investment manager or business partner, be sure that your children have the names and contact information for these people. If you belong to a church, synagogue or mosque, they should have the contact information for your clergy. All of these people can be called for advice if needed.
Personal information
Be sure your children have all of your basic personal information, including full name (including maiden name), social security number, date and place of birth, number of marriages (and to whom and when), and names of children with their dates of birth (and death, if applicable). All of this information is usually required for completing a death certificate.
More about you
How do you want to be remembered? Do you have a favorite charity you would like people to donate to in your honor? Is there anything that your children would like to know about you that they’ve never asked?
End-of-life plans
Have you done any pre-planning at a funeral home? Do you prefer to be buried or cremated? If you prefer to be buried, where would you like to be buried? Have you already purchased a plot? If you prefer cremation, what would you like your family to do with your ashes? What are your wishes regarding a funeral, visitation, memorial service or wake? Do you belong to any organizations that you would want mentioned in an obituary?
One thing that many people overlook is that of who they would want contacted in the event of their death. Be sure your children have the contact information for these people.