At Olive Tree Mortuary we see it all the time…but wish we didn’t. A parent passes away, and in the midst of their grief their loved ones need to make important decisions about the burial or cremation and the funeral service. Naturally, they want these decisions to reflect what their parent would have wanted. Unfortunately, no one knows what those wishes were, as death and dying were never discussed.
The reality is, some subjects are difficult to bring up, and some conversations are difficult to have — even with the people to whom you feel the closest. Talking about the end of life is in this category. Death and funeral planning are simply not things that most people enjoy talking about, especially as they age.
Broaching the subject
Although it’s not always possible to do so, the best time to discuss end-of-life wishes with your parents is while they’re still healthy. Here are some tips that others have successfully used to get the conversation started:
- Work up to the subject. Some people find it easier to start by asking their parents to share stories about the deaths of their loved ones.“What was it like when your parents died?”After they finish speaking you can then ask:“What would you like to be different when it is your time to die?”
- Use a prop. Sometimes a good way to broach the subject is to start by talking about a book, news story or real-life situation that affected someone you know.“My friend Sam’s mother passed away last month, and he and his sisters ended up arguing about whether she wanted to be buried or cremated, and what type of a funeral service she would have wanted. Can we plan a time to talk about your wishes, so that we can avoid a similar situation when the time comes?”
- Keep an open mind. Approach the conversation without any preconceived notions about how your parents might react.“Mom, I want to have a talk about what you want. What is important to you?”“Dad, I know this may be an uncomfortable topic, but would you be open to discussing your funeral service and what your wishes are? When the time comes, I want to know that we are doing things the way you wanted us to.”
- Mention specific legal documents. There are certain legal documents that everyone should have in place before they become incapacitated or die (see “The Importance of Getting Your Estate in Order While You’re Well”), including a will.“Dad, I don’t want to upset you, but if something happened to you I’d want to know that your wishes were being honored. Do you have a will?”
- Focus on listening instead of telling. Avoid saying things like “We really need to talk about…”“Have you thought about what you want?”
- Remind them that funerals are for the living. Often when the subject is brought up, the parent will say something like “Oh, don’t make a fuss. Skip the ceremony. Just cremate me and be done with it.”“I understand how you feel, and perhaps you’ll think I’m being selfish, but I know that I will really want the closure that funerals bring. And I suspect a lot of other people who love you feel the same way.”
- Give them time. You don’t have to talk about everything at once. Your parents may not have previously thought about their funeral plans, and may have a hard time accepting the idea that they need to do so.“I’m glad we broke the ice on this topic. Would you like to stop now and continue another time?”
- End the conversation on a positive note.
“This is a difficult conversation for all of us, but I’m really glad that we had it.”
Consider pre-planning the funeral
Once the subject has been broached, one option is to help your parents formally pre-plan their funeral by sitting with them at a funeral home and going through the process together. In fact, if they’re ready for this, Olive Tree Mortuary is here to help. Call us at 714-739-1961 to schedule an appointment, and we’ll help you create a plan that gives everyone peace of mind.