What to Say when Comforting Mourners

When someone that you care about is grieving the loss of a loved one, it can be difficult to know what to say. You want to be there for them, but you’re not sure how.

The good news is, the most important thing that you can do for a grieving person is to simply be there. Your loving and caring presence will help them to know that they are not alone, that you (and others) are there to help them get through this difficult time.

Keep in mind that nothing you do or say will make them forget their loss. Your role is to comfort them, not to “cheer them up” or distract them. Mourners need to work through their grief, and should not be rushed to “move on.”

Be prepared to listen with compassion, even if the person needs to repeat the story of their loved one’s death many times. Do not change the conversation when the deceased’s name comes up.

To avoid inadvertently saying something that makes the mourner feel worse, here are some of the things that the experts recommend you do or don’t say when comforting mourners…

Things to say when comforting mourners:

• Express your heartfelt sympathy – Be genuine and don’t try to hide your feelings.
  • “I am so sorry for your loss”
  • “My heart is with you”
  • “I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care”
• Ask if they feel like talking – Sometimes mourners are so overwhelmed by their grief that they don’t really feel up to conversation at all. This is why in some religious traditions it is the custom that the visitor should not speak until the mourner initiates the conversation. Sometimes your presence is all they want or need; be willing to sit in silence.
  • “Do you feel like talking?”
  • “Do you want to talk about [Name]?”
• Share special memories or stories about the person who died – This helps the bereaved know how much their loved one meant to you.
  • “I remember the time that…”
  • “I’ll always appreciate the way she…”
  • “I always admired [Name] because…”
• Offer practical assistance – Because it can be difficult for people to ask for help, it is best to make specific suggestions rather than just saying “let me know if there’s anything I can do.”
  • “I’m going to the supermarket this evening. What can I pick up for you while I’m there?”
  • “I’d like to bring dinner for you. Would tomorrow night be okay?”
  • “Can I pick up your kids from school for you?”
  • “Can I come by every evening this week and walk your dog for you?”

• Offer your ongoing support – Let them know that you’ll be there for them for as long as it takes.
  • “I know this will take time. I’ll be here for you in the weeks and months ahead”

Things to avoid saying when comforting mourners:

• Anything that minimizes the person’s grief
  • “At least he lived a very long life” (The mourners wish it was longer)
  • “At least he’s not suffering anymore” (Don’t assume someone was ready to die)
  • “At least you have closure now” (The death of a loved one will always be felt as a deep loss)
  • “I know how you feel” (You don’t, because grief is so personal)
  • “It’s part of God’s plan” or “He’s in a better place now” (Even if this fits with the mourner’s beliefs, it may not feel comforting at their time of grief)
• Any attempt to change the subject when the deceased person is mentioned – The bereaved need to feel that their loss is not too terrible to talk about, and their loved one will be remembered.
  • “Look at all the other things you have to be thankful for”
  • “Let’s talk about happier things”
• Anything that makes the bereaved feel judged for expressing their feelings – Grief is very emotional and very personal. It is normal for someone who is mourning to cry, get angry, break down or express other difficult feelings.
  • “Please don’t cry!”
  • “You shouldn’t be angry”
  • “You need to pull yourself together”
  • “Stop being so irrational”
• Anything that begins with “You should” or “You will” – When attempting to give what you believe will be helpful advice, try to begin with “have you thought about…” or “you might consider trying…”
  • “You should move on with your life”
  • “You should get back to work as quickly as you can”
  • “You will feel better soon”
  • “You will have a hard time going through his things”

• Anything that puts pressure on the mourner – They’re just trying to get through each day. They need comfort, not additional stress.
  • “What will you do now without [Name]?”

No one is every truly prepared for a loss. Even an “expected” loss can bring with it a seeming tidal wave of sorrow. If you have lost a loved one and need to make arrangements for their funeral, Olive Tree Mortuary is here to help you at this difficult time. We serve families throughout Southern California with a full range of mortuary services. As a family-owned and operated mortuary, it is our honor to take care of your family with the same warmth, caring and compassion that we would want for our own.